So this post is incredibly hard to write, therefore I am sorry if it comes across strangely.
If you saw my last post, you’ll know that Jake and I had a wonderful weekend away only around two weeks ago. There were some times where we fought as per usual, and some times where we discussed the difficulty of navigating our relationship as it’s long distance. Jake had said he’d been feeling stressed a lot (and in turn I was getting more stressed because I worried about him). But we resolved these issues, and I thought we were going to try and fix them and by the time Jake came over (what would have been the 9th – 12th of December) we would have them sorted.
That kind of didn’t happen.
Three days after I came home on the Wednesday, Jake phoned me and broke up with me on FaceTime. We officially broke up on the Sunday (because I asked for a break, and then he sent me a message saying he wanted a break up) and since then have not spoken as he has asked for no contact. (I don’t know if he reads my blog posts, he may read this one, but I am not struggling over not contacting him as a partner. I have no one to send Chuckle Brothers memes too but I am doing okay.)
I am confused and devastated about what happened. If the weekend hadn’t happened, if we hadn’t as I thought resolved it, I may have understood this more as I think both of us were finding the distance hard, but I was incredibly happy in this relationship and it upsets me that he wasn’t, but also that he didn’t tell me the extent. I won’t go into details on the internet, but we weren’t unusual together when we were together: just regular ol’ Hannah and Jake. So I have a lot of questions for Jake, and that’s what’s made it difficult to blog about this before: I have been too upset and angry. I have since written these questions down and since then my mind has been clearer.
I miss Jake a lot, and I know I will do for a while yet. It has been awkward in our mutual friendship groups and we will have to resolve something when we see each other at Christmas as it isn’t fair on our friends, but most of all I miss him as a person. I miss the security, yes, but mostly Jake has been a cheerleader and a friend throughout the past couple of years and it’s like a gaping wound for him to so suddenly be gone.
What next? I’m not sure. I am struggling at university, feeling very homesick (mum and dad did come to see me, we met up in London, but I just want to go home! I guess impending essay deadlines aren’t exactly helping). I’m struggling with eating and sleeping, but I’m getting through each day, and some are easier than others and some are harder than others. But I’m getting there.
A lot of my plans are up in the air: mum had planned day trips around Jake over the Christmas period; we have tickets to the Harry Potter Studio Tours; I had scheduled a lot of my Christmas holiday off for him, and it makes me panic a lot that I now have all this empty space I am expected to fill. I am hoping that we can be friends still, but we’ll have to see.
Until then, on my blog I will try to act normally. My vlogging has slipped dramatically as Jake was such a huge part of my vlogging life; he is on pretty much video I have ever made in some shape or form, and it’s been so hard to film. I had a lot of videos planned for us to do together over the Christmas holidays so now I am not sure what I am going to do (as I need two people to film, and basically I don’t have any other video friends). However, I’m going to try and do vlogmas and see if I can distract and normalise myself.
I have really missed blogging though which is another reason I have written this post: I had to get it out of the way first.
Thank you guys for reading. It’s been an incredibly hard time, and I’d just like to say the biggest thanks in the world to my mum, and my family, Natalie, and my flat. You guys have just been incredible. My friends from back home have also been great! Thank you.
Adios until next time, folks.